Respect

This is what my kids and I have taught each other recently.

People are worthy of respect. Children are people.

For me, respect means these four things.

1. They know themselves better than you know them. Listen to them.
This is the hardest lesson ever, I think. I know my children really well. And I also often think I know what is best for them.
But I don't always. I don't know what goes in in their hearts. I don't know why they made the choices they made. God does: but I am not God.
I can ask them, though, and I can listen hard to the answers. It is in the listening that I learn more about who they are, and I can hope to be a better parent next time.
If I listen, I can hope to understand why they made the (poor) choices they made, and help them consider other options. If I listen, I can see how the choices I made were hurtful to them, and actually cut them off from making better choices.
If I listen, they will know that I love them, and want to know them, and want to help them find out what is best for them.

2. Speak to them, not down to them.
When I speak, speak as an equal. Just because I'm in the position of authority doesn't mean I need to use it. Having listened, I can speak as one soul to another.
The only time good results come from issuing directives and demanding that they be followed is in the military. At all other times, speaking to another as an equal is always best. Yes, as the parent I'm the leader of my family so I get to make the final call. But I can still make that call in a gentle and loving way. My children need to know that they can and will be heard, so that they can grow to be mature adults.

3. Speak the truth.
Don't lie. Just don't. Lies will catch me up. One day I will slip in my lie. One day they will ask me questions. One day they will realise I lied. And they will feel betrayed. I cannot parent based on lies. Even lies that are designed to protect. When there are things that I don't want to tell my kids because I want to protect them, then perhaps I need to tell them that I don't want to explain all the details, because it's hard. Be honest. Don't lie.

4. Assume the best in them.
I will always assume that my kids are awesome. Not perfect, but capable of awesomeness. There are consequences for wrongdoing, but I will do what I can to ensure that the consequences are appropriate to the offence. Forgive them the small mistakes, forgive them the large ones, forgive them the enormous ones... and let them show me their awesomeness.

What did my kids teach me? To respect them. What have I taught them? I don't know yet. But I hope that they are learning that treating others with respect is the best way.

In recent times I have been reflecting on the ways that people talk to other people, and the impact that has. I have had people speak to me in ways that I find unacceptable. Perhaps I have spoken in ways that they find unacceptable. But it made me stop and think about why: why do I choose to communicate the way I do? As always with me, it brought me back to children. In particular, this time, my children. I thought about the ways that I choose to communicate with them, and why I made those choices.

I wonder what it would be like if I'd written this with pastor/church instead of parent/children/family?